Desires, boundaries, and my secrets of adulthood

Desire 
Noun: desire; plural noun: desires
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Boundary
Noun: boundary; plural noun: boundaries
something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

It has been a few years since I posted this list, the last one being Actions, reactions, and my secrets of adulthood back in 2017.  Everyone who knows me knows my love for lists, and don't worry, I still created plenty of lists, and even actioned many of them. As always, I looked back at my previous posts with lists, both for inspiration and to check what has changed. The inspiration is never lacking and the changes, some positive, some not, add a different perspective to the new list. 

Looking at the previous 2 lists, I realized that it is a list of desires. Some of these desires are hopeful and optimistic, some are wishful thinking. The desires that matter the most to me mean nothing to many I considered family, and challenging them only results in my exclusion as an "other" who does not matter. 

I am, therefore,  focusing on a list of desires with boundaries. 

Boundaries which will not change my values based on the situation and my own privilege. Boundaries which will change my actions and reactions to micro-aggressions and prejudice.

• What you do every day matters more than what you do once in while (from Rubin's list).

• Life is short, surround yourself with people who say only good things to you, as long as you never find out what they say behind your back. 

• It is okay to walk away from people whose values don't resonate with you. What you don't know cannot hurt you. 

• Responding to messages is often better than initiating them; saves you from wondering what you did wrong for not getting a timely response.

• Enjoy what you like openly and without guilt. And say no to what you don't like without guilt.

• Ignore others' opinions of your activism; do what is right. 

• There is nothing wrong with being a single issue voter. Vote only for your own self interest. 

• Speak out because you care, first and foremost for yourself, as no one else will stand up for you unless you stand up for yourself. 

• It's okay to give up and move on. 

If some of these things seem strange to those who know me, well,  instead of waiting for the world to change, I changed. As they say, if you can't beat them, join them. 

One of my all time favorite quotes is the one Sarah Kendzoir published in her blog on Nov 9th, 2016 - "If you are brave, stand up for others. If you cannot be brave, and it is often hard to be brave, be kind"

This post is dedicated to the very special people in my life who stood up for me and those who were kind to me when I needed it. And a big thank you to the special friend who vetted this list; chatting with her every day elevates my spirit.

Life can be challenging, and then there are existential problems #problems #existential #meaningoflife

“What makes your problems so much bigger than everyone else’s?”

“They’re mine!”

--- Ally McBeal

In no particular order, I present to you my 2018 list of existential problems. As these are subject to change, and their priority will never be consistent, I did not want to waste any time on force ranking them. Right there is a big problem – force ranking problems that are existential.

In September of last year, I stated this while eating an early lunch after a long walk along the Pacifica beach with my Pacifica family – “hangryness is another issue that does not get enough attention, much like ageism”. To me, this is the definition of an existential problem if ever one existed. To be hungry, and then angry, leading to hangryness, is likely one of the worst feelings an otherwise calm, cool, sarcastic, humorous and generally jovial person can experience. If you are wondering how I know I stated this in September, 2017 – it’s because I wrote it down. I write most things down to mitigate another existential problem – not remembering the coolest things I ever said and when I said them. I also write down the coolest things other people say, too, for the same reason.

Siri has managed to learn that I appreciate sarcasm and a sense of humor. But the weather is serious business. And one morning when I asked Siri, what is the temperature right now, Siri proceeded to say, “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. Just kidding… it’s 48^oF outside”. I’m sure you’ve heard Siri say funnier things when prompted, but this response to a weather question was shocking enough for me to take a screen shot (once again, so I would never forget). I’ve forgotten why this is an existential problem, but I think it should be.

I am generally a grateful person, but sometimes not grateful enough. In August of last year, while enjoying the beauty of the island of Hawaii, I stalked friends on social media who traveled to Oregon to watch the eclipse, and felt intensely jealous. I don’t even know if I would have traveled to Oregon myself to watch it happen, but I felt envious regardless, and chided myself for not organizing my calendar well. My extraordinarily synced calendar does not have events like the total solar eclipse automatically listed on it, and there are no flags or notifications when you plan something at the same time. I suppose this paragraph has two problems – my wavering gratefulness and my calendar.

Pepsi or Coke? I like Pepsi more than Coke. Drink something like 2 a year. I switched to Coke after the offensive ad featuring Jenner, but I think this can be a low priority problem until I start consuming more soda and have a credible impact on the soda industry.

I don’t have Bran’s vision. If I did, I would tell you everything. For a small fee, of course. And I would not accept daggers from slimy people with slimy names like Littlefinger. This was probably the most frustrating part about Game of Thrones – waiting for Bran to let us see what he sees, which we eventually did, but not at the time of my noting this down on August 6, 2017. If you don’t watch GoT, it’s your problem. 

I think that’s plenty of existential problems to chew on and prioritize for now. And there are plenty more where these came from (my downloaded Facebook timeline).

To end this post, another quote (and warning) from Ally McBeal – “Even if I get past all of my problems, I’m just going to get new ones”

Revisiting goals and creating existential problems #frivolous #goals #existential #problems

A little over a year ago, I made some frivolous goals - When the going gets tough, make some frivolous goals. I was afraid of revisiting that blog post since I didn’t think I had accomplished any of those, but I was pleasantly surprised that I did make some progress.

It’s not like they were SMART goals. Specific – yes, Measurable – somewhat, Achievable – absolutely, Realistic – of course, Timely – possibly. Okay, so there were somewhat SMART goals, but once written, shared, laughed at, and received feedback on, some of them didn’t quite make the top 10 priority list. Therefore, I will do things a little differently for 2018 by revisiting the previous goals and then focusing on some existential problems in future posts.

Update on previous goals

Perfect hair coloring technique

Result – Achieved! Not in that I perfected the technique, but I found a stylist closer to home who I trust, and get my hair colored more frequently. And it’s perfect, so I check this off as Achieved! Now, it would be no fun if there was no back story to the new stylist, right? First visit was a success. Second visit – salon empty, lights switched off, door locked! How could I scare off someone from coloring my hair? It turns out that since my stylist and I have similar names, she added her name to her calendar instead of mine, had a good laugh at scheduling an appointment for herself on the calendar, and went home early!

Make three pairs of boots as good as new

Result – So not achieved, and worse, it’s now four pairs of boots! I think the only intact one has a tiny tear that will soon expand into a more noticeable one. In the meantime, I won 2 gift cards to a local cobbler that I haven’t used, and bought several pairs of new shoes including the currently trendy booties. I also purchased (and returned) two fabulous new pairs of knee high boots which were the right foot size and the right shin length but were clearly not designed for my slender calves. This is, therefore, marked – Not Achieved! And there’s no back story either. It is back on the list for 2018.

Fix the Wii

Result – WHAT WAS I THINKING? Fix the Wii? Where have I been? The goal is 100% achieved by replacing the old Wii with a Fire Stick upstairs and Apple TV downstairs. The first accomplished soon after writing that goal, and the second while trying to figure out how to mirror a movie I created on the iPad that I wanted to share with an audience on the new TV. Of course, since then, newer and better versions of both have been released, and I will soon be behind the times again.

Ride on the Hyde-Powell cable car with a billowing cape

Result – Not Achieved! I have no excuses but I can blame it on the lack of interest by other participants, maybe. I will cautiously add this to the 2018 list, and with or without a cape, I will jump on the Hyde-Powell train next time I’m in the vicinity.

We can’t do everything, but we can do something

Result – Achieved! Not with serious blogs and nagging, but stepping up and doing more. By reaching out to people who were struggling emotionally. By reading more, learning more, channeling my frustration into the right actions with the help of those who are more knowledgeable and doing so much. And by staying focused on what is still good, and how each one of us can’t do everything, but we can do something.  

In 2018, I will focus on some existential problems. They are my existential problems, and may not carry the same weight or any weight at all for you, so please approach with the right amount of cynicism and sense of humor. So long! 

X marks the spot – it’s the little things #Hawaii2017

The fun started before the trip with a lengthy phone call with the soon-to-be 5 year old who had very specific questions on the location of the condo, how far it was from the pool, if it was on the low floor or high floor, how many bags are allowed, who will take the bags, how early we need to wake up and leave for the sunrise, how will the pickup and drop-off at the airport work, and one important question that she forgot and had to schedule a separate call for – the playlist! She also wanted to know when the three adults besides her mamma were going “skydiving” so she and mamma could schedule their trip to the pool, and wanted to be sure that Fayeza provided instructions on how to get to the pool before leaving. Many of the questions were mixed with a super emphasized, “Fayeza, I am going to be 5 soon” statement!

I reassured her that there would be no waking up early for a sunrise (although we did one morning for a glimpse of the Solar Eclipse which we ended up watching on TV), but we would be going to a higher mountain and would need warm clothes. Two years in a row, the first thing I packed was her little jacket. I also created a playlist with plenty of Shakira and Pitbull plus Shape of You and “that radio song” (Cheap Thrills) along with some good old rock n roll for the rest of us in the car.

The first day started with a new version of “knock knock”

Knock knock - Who’s there – Jug - Jug who - Jaggu, I love you!

That the first place we visited right after checking in was the pool is no surprise. The now already 5 year old showed me a few new tricks, and also her muscles – the floats on her arms. She stared at me with great concern when I decided to walk on the treadmill instead of jumping into the pool right away.

The following day was the much anticipated visit to Volcanoes National Park. My weakness for purchasing reusable bags was quite evident at the gift store, and I also purchased a special bag to carry my water bottle and keys. Balanced the bottle bag with my cross-body purse, and I was ready to lead the hike into the Volcano’s rim. We took some lovely pictures along the rim with the plume of smoke rising from the Volcano in the back, and even sang a lovely birthday greeting for Manjeev. As we sweated our way on the trail towards the parking to head to the Lava Tube, I suddenly heard a little voice yell, “X marks the spot, Fayeza” followed by Aloma’s laughter. I stopped in my tracks to examine “the spot” which only made Aloma laugh more. Apparently, the “X” was on my back, formed by the straps of my new bottle bag and the purse.

Of course, we decided it was picture-worthy but not before the straps were adjusted to make the X look as perfect and centered as possible. 

In addition to that and hundreds of other pictures, there were several pictures laying on inviting horizontal tree trunks to send to Geralyn and Sheena, and stops at various spots to capture the lava plume in the ocean. Plus a few shots of the Sea Arch, which when said as one word, sounds like biatch according to Lester.

Wow! This is only the beginning, and the stories of the sunsets, Mauna Kea and beach bumming will have to be covered in a later blog! It will be another incredible list of little things (and high jumps) plus beautiful memories.

Actions, reactions, and my secrets of adulthood

Situational and appropriate humor and sarcasm (the non-tone-deaf kind) is what I resort to during stressful times. Sadly, while that has made it's way frequently to Facebook and Twitter, my blogging has been limited to incomplete drafts over the last few months. A moving post by a friend has inspired me to end the blogging drought with my next list of "My Secrets of Adulthood". 

My list from last year, "Pride, prejudice, and my secrets of adulthood", was more than a list. It was an attempt to challenge bigotry and hatred, and the silence of many of my friends. While it was well received by those who are always advocating for others, those who remained silent then, continue to remain silent now - some because of their privilege, and many because they don't believe in speaking up unless it affects them. My list this year reflects the horror of the last few months, the apathy of many I know, but most of all, my admiration for the strong, fierce, brave, outspoken women and men who are willing to go above and beyond, even when the fight is for others. 

As always, I will kick it off with one that is a repeat from previous lists: 

What you do every day matters more than what you do once in while (from Rubin's list)

It is better to change your reaction to people than expect them to change

A regular message that makes you laugh is more valuable than an occasional dinner

You don't have to be a coffee snob, wine snob, or any kind of snob to enjoy every drop of it

It is more fun to look forward to the next birthday celebration than to getting older

When an interviewer calls you 5 months after you applied, it's okay to say "I honestly don't remember" when asked why you applied for the job 

Having a "good heart" does not give you a free pass for making obnoxious and/or racist comments 

Don't let others' opinion of your activism keep you from doing what is right

Don't let others' lack of courage prevent you from speaking out

If you don't know the difference between flirting and sexual harassment/assault, you are part of the problem

If you don't understand the challenges women and men face because of discrimination, you are either privileged, indifferent, ignorant, or all of the above

The list is incomplete without the quotes that inspired the list. 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time  - Maya Angelou

....people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel - Maya Angelou

The best defense against bullshit is vigilance. If you smell something, say something - Jon Stewart

If you are brave, stand up for others. If you cannot be brave, and it is often hard to be brave, be kind - Sarah Kendzior

Borrowing from an earlier blogpost this year about social media posts - "Like real life, there are those who talk the talk, and there are those who walk the walk. There are those who don't post, don't read, but judge others or stay indifferent. There are those who post and do nothing. There are those who post and take actions in small and big ways. Where you choose to be is up to you."

Where I choose to be is off Facebook. Not because I hate it, but because I love it. In fact, that is included in an earlier list. My love for everything that Facebook offers has made it hard to acknowledge some important truths. It's a very personal decision, and although I will miss being on Facebook, I will continue to be reachable to all my friends who want to and know how to get in touch with me. If you don't know how, there is still Messenger, at least for a short time. 

Hopefully, you will be back here to read my future blog posts about the hikes, the Hawaii trip, and the small and big adventures filled with gratitudes. Picture teaser below ⬇️

So long!  

Snowstorms, hailstorms, and friendships that weather storms

Snowstorm: a heavy fall of snow, especially with a high wind

Snow: atmospheric water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer

Hailstorm: a storm of heavy hail

Hail: pellets of frozen rain that fall in showers from cumulonimbus clouds

Friendships: the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends

Weather the storm: survives difficulties

Ha! I am finally getting to this blog post with snowstorms and hailstorms in the title when we have a heat wave, and it is a balmy 89 degrees outside! It's fitting, however, that I am writing about my first year in the U.S. and remembering that it was approximately 89 degrees in Bombay when I left, and close to 25 degrees in Chicago when I landed at the airport. I cleared immigration and customs and stepped out of the protected arrivals area to look for the person picking me up, and it was so cold, I felt the surfactant in my lungs freeze as I took a breath in. After a comedy of errors worthy of it's own post, I finally found Peggy (who had been standing at an exit with a post-it with Fayeza in ball point pen), and we headed to my first residence at Joyce Stockler's house in Elmwood Park, where I was greeted by Heidi, the dog, and 3 very unhappy cats. Saving grace, my soon-to-be first roommate, Aparna.

Aparna set me up with her in the little attic bedroom with 2 twin beds. When I woke up the next morning, I experienced my first shock! Snow, but not the pretty kind, bare trees, and not a single sound outside. I was used to waking up to the sounds of chirping birds and crowing roosters, and the quiet stillness was both fascinating and depressing. But Aparna took me shopping, and we took the Harlem bus to the closest K-Mart. Since it was below freezing, Aparna loaned me a winter jacket that was heavier than me, and went all the way to my toes. Because we were adventurous, we decided to walk back home on Harlem Ave, and it was only much later that we realized how stupid that was. Just like it was only a few months ago when I was making a list when writing this draft that I realized how many firsts I had with Aparna.

First roommate
First shopping partner
First dinner partner at Red Lobster
First dinner partner on Devon Street (I think it was a restaurant called Gandhi, and Joyce's dad took us there)
First out-of-town trip (to Lincoln, IL to visit Poonam in her new apartment)
First movie in the US (The Air Up There)
First really long drive in a blizzard (280 miles in 13 hours)

We have so many firsts, some of them only mine but she was an important part of it. We went to an Amish town in IL together, and enjoyed it just as much as The Signature Lounge at the 96th (maybe even more, ha ha). There was a moment of weakness when we considered going fishing when hanging out by a lake in the Midwest - could have been our first, and my last. We had the same car, and we both had a love-hate relationship with it. She used her's a lot longer than I used mine, and she drove it to California.

I am sure there are many I have left out that I will remember during a conversation. Laughing, of course, has always been a big part of it, and I was treated to a visit to Laffing Sal with her and Umesh when Sal resided at the Mechanical Museum next to the Cliff House.

I still have the cardigan we bought at K-Mart on my first shopping trip (I did give away all the other stuff but had to keep at least one thing I bought that day). And I only recently gave away my first rolling carry-on, a birthday gift from Aparna, Poonam and Lena way back when! The mug I cherished (another birthday gift) for more than 20 years finally chipped but the little stuffed tiger that came with it is safe.

Ha! I am rambling on and forgot there is a hailstorm to be remembered. When visiting Poonam on what seemed to be a nice day, just as I took the exit ramp from I-5, it turned pitch dark, and I could only hear the sound of the heavy hail falling on the car roof. I had never experienced hail before and I was even more terrified as there was a semi-trailer taking the exit right behind me. It was only when the the hailstorm stopped that I realized we were surrounded by golf-ball size hail, and like all disciplined traffic in the Midwest, all vehicles had come to a slow and complete stop until the storm passed.

Aparna, Poonam and I didn't have an easy start when we first arrived, and it didn't get easier in the first couple of years. We were strong, persistent, gritty women but most importantly, we had each other as well as some very important friends who always kept our spirits up. I have a more vivid memory of watching Lion King with them in Danville, IL than other more spectacular movies since. Gosh, we went to the hot air balloon festival the first summer, and were excited because we traveled there in a standing-room only bus! We managed to get lost in Indianapolis, which was far smaller and less populated than it is today. This was after I locked my keys in the rental car to which we didn't have a spare key!

I can't figure out how to end this blog, so I will do it very simply. To friendships that last through the toughest times and survive forever - I love you!

My lemon tree is a lemon, and other non-gratitudes #gratitudes

Yes, my lemon tree is a lemon! After 12 years of hoping that it would provide enough juicy lemons to last for weeks, if not months, I am giving up hope. The first few years, there were lemons which provided a few drops of juice if lucky. Now the tree won't even provide any lemons. Oh well! I have to trek to the neighbor's tree with the tall-handled picker to get good lemons. My neighbor's tree has lemons big enough and juicy enough to provide half a cup of juice each!

It was an adventurous week with cooking ingredients. While shopping for mint, I saw Thai basil, and decided to try cooking Thai basil chicken. As is usually the case with my following recipes, I tweaked a few ingredients, but followed the instructions carefully for the basil as I had never used it before. Added it at the very end, and turned off the stove in 20 seconds. Well, the chicken was absolutely delicious but it didn't taste anything like Thai basil chicken. Since I had plenty of basil left over, I attempted it again, with the same result. With absolutely no faith in the third time's the charm nonsense, I added all that was leftover but after the stove was already turned off, and I could now taste the basil. But without the rest of the ingredients, it was not really what I was aiming for, but delicious regardless.

After a long hike on Sunday, I decided that it was going to be an easy pasta day. While shopping for pasta, I sighted egg noodles, and with my new found interest in Thai cooking, I decided to prepare pad kee mao. Things went rather well except the noodles I picked were the short ones meant for chicken noodle soup. Another delicious dish with a slightly off ingredient.

While I am writing about non-gratitudes, it's important to mention that I am still looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and have hiked hundreds of miles in my search. No pot of gold but I am in better shape than I ever was, have seen amazingly beautiful things, and best of all, made a lot of wonderful friends.

This week is off to a good start! Warm and sunny day, and coincidentally, date day with Sucharita. We had a wonderful time at the Half Moon Bay State Park Beach. We were sweating and regretted bringing jackets for backup instead of shorts! Finished the day with Fabiana and Oliver. Fabiana wanted to walk Oliver, but he walked us instead. Now it's time to finish the leftover partly authentic pad kee mao.

Making sense of what to post where #socialmedia

I went to LinkedIn, and they said, "This is a place for professionals, take your politics to Facebook where it belongs" 

I went to Facebook, and they said, "This is a place for pictures, memes and whining about family and friends. Take your politics to Twitter"

I went to Twitter, and they said, "You fucking bitch. I will smash your brown face into the pavement and send you back where you came from" 

It seems that many people have an opinion on what is allowed on a particular social media platform when the platform itself does not care. 

Let's start with LinkedIn. 

Does anyone have any doubt that the federal government is the single largest employer in the country? Is there any doubt that the trade and tax policies made by the government, whether federal or local, impact businesses and employment? Given that who leads the government and makes policies is determined by elections, hence politics, why is politics somehow not an acceptable topic on LinkedIn? What is not acceptable is the number of people who never have a policy-related argument but instead resort to personal attacks on the people publishing articles and to those with whom they disagree. If you don't like politics on LinkedIn, move on to the next thing, which most likely is the millionth article on how to improve something that reading an article will not improve. Or a meme that has been removed from it's original article and shared with a completely different context by thousands of people, who could not be bothered to read the actual article. Seriously, how many times do I have to read an article on a career site that tells me to sleep more and that money does not bring happiness?

And then there is Facebook. 

No, I don't get all my news from Facebook, but I do value the vast amount of information some of my more informed and politically savvy friends post. I find their activism refreshing, inspiring, and yes, challenging! It makes me a more informed and better person. I do find memes annoying, especially when more than 25 of my friends share the same one, but it makes them happy, and it's easy for me to ignore and move on. Facebook can be a reflection of your beliefs, and an easy way to share them. You don't like someone's political posts, move on, or better yet, delete them and let them know why. Like real life, there are those who talk the talk, and there are those who walk the walk. There are those who don't post, don't read, but judge others or stay indifferent. There are those who post and do nothing. There are those who post and take actions in small and big ways. Where you choose to be is up to you. 

That leaves Twitter. 

The platform where you can get the best and worst in information. Twitter is the place I follow newspapers, journalists, entertainers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, and yes, commentators both liberal and conservative. I also enjoy reading responses to the opinions and articles. This, however, is challenging with it being impossible to filter out the hate speech in every thread, as Twitter is also the platform where you can attack people in cruel and vicious ways without consequences. Unless you are a celebrity with millions of followers and the visibility that forces the Twitter CEO to intervene. I switched to a private profile during the elections, which is fine as I am more interested in what others have to say than being followed by thousands (I barely made it to a 100 followers anyway). 

So, that brings me back to the beginning. If you are going to use social media, either learn to be tolerant, or learn how to ignore what you can't handle. People want to share pictures of their dogs on LinkedIn, let them. I will confess that I judge them, but I will keep it to myself. Keep judging if you must, but stop lecturing others on what they should and should not do on social media. If your responses on Twitter or any other platform begin with or include an insult, maybe it's time to get off social media and join a support group to address your hatred.

Now that I have this out of my system, time to finish my gratitude blog.

When the going gets tough, make some frivolous goals

Since none of the thoughtfully written meaningful blogs are hitting the completion point, I am going to break the drought by publishing a slightly frivolous list of 2017 goals.

Perfect hair coloring technique

My awesome stylist suggested I try coloring my own hair in between visits. The first two attempts earlier this year provided no results as I didn't leave the color in long enough (followed instructions that didn't help). So, I decided to leave it in for not twice, but three times longer than recommended time. Better results, but not "stylist" perfect. At the next attempt, I added the color, did some chores, watched tv, listened to a podcast while I walked around the house, and about 3 hours later, I washed my hair. Well, it was kind of perfect except it was about 4 shades darker than my natural hair color!! I gasped every time I looked in the mirror at the stranger with very dark hair.

Make three pairs of boots as good as new

During a tragic customer call, while my awesome teammates held their head in shock, I jumped into action, and decided to kick the trash can with all the fury I could generate. It had no impact on my teammates shock, but it ripped my boots. People who noticed the tear on the side of the boot assured me that it wasn't really noticeable. I put the pair aside, until small tears mysteriously appeared on two other pairs. Since going to the cobbler isn't really an easy thing to do, I planned all boot-wearing occasions around the last intact pair, which severely limited my ability to pick clothes. Over a few months, I forgot about the tears. Wore the brown boots and noticed that my socks were wet after stepping into a puddle. Took the smartest boots to wear to Kinky Boots, and noticed an expanding tear on the side of the boot when attempting to sit fashionably with the 4-inch heel pointed just right. I am now back to using the one surviving pair and planning clothing around it. The urgency of visiting the few existing neighborhood cobblers has increased significantly!

Fix the Wii 

The TV downstairs is not a "smart" TV, and we have managed to use the dinosaur to watch Prime movies using the Wii. But then we did something smart and got a smart TV for upstairs, and DirectTV with a new internet connection. With the smart TV apps, I have discovered an amazingly unlimited supply of award winning shows on Prime, Netflix and Hulu that make real TV irrelevant and a waste of time! However, sitting in bed during a binge session of 4 episodes of Man in the High Castle or Stranger Things has resulted in neck and back pain. It's also way too bright upstairs during the day. But the Wii does not work like it should, and I have just not devoted enough time to troubleshooting so I can watch Prime and Netflix on the dinosaur TV downstairs from the comfortable sofa!

Ride on the Hyde-Powell cable car with a billowing cape

After wearing a tutu all day in Disneyland for two little girls and a grown up bestie, I have been increasingly but only slightly braver about costumes. I made a tshirt for the Super Hero run to wear with the cape. Well, I bought the plain shirt and paint, and made a friend paint it, but same thing, right? So, when I recently found out that some of my Super Hero friends have not been on the spectacular Hyde-Powell line the right way - on the outside, screaming like you are on a roller coaster when you go over the steep hills, I decided that must happen. And what better way to do it than with our billowing capes? We will save some lives and kill a vampire or two while we are at it.

We can't do everything, but we can do something

I know you either love me enough to read this far or just love my writing. The most frivolous of all is my goal to nag people into reading my upcoming more serious blogs. Nag people to rise above helpnessness and despair, and take action. I need to nag others so I can feed off their positive energy and do more myself. If you read this far and laughed with me, please return the favor and make someone smile. And if you can save the life of a human being who has no place to turn, please donate to SAMS, an organization that selflessly and tirelessly works with desperate people in Syria.

If you prefer something different, please read the below article by Nicholas Kristoff, a personal superhero whose recommendations carry a lot of weight.

Forget the Tie. Give a Gift That Matters.

It's the little things #Maui2016

A little over a year ago, I wrote "It's the little things #Oahu2015". It was a blog about our trip to Oahu that covered a few things that make us laugh even a year later. This time around, the fun started the day before we left at the Pacifica Fog Fest, where many of us got a tan before even packing our bags.

Speaking of packing, the first thing in my bag was the winter coat, not the beach wear. I figured it would be easier to buy swim wear in Maui, but harder to get the necessary warm clothing for the Summit of Haleakala (it was 36 degrees when we went there a few years ago). Since I was checking in a bag, I offered space to those who were not. Turns out I was the only one checking in a bag, and once I added my jacket, the cooler bag, the little one's jacket and raincoat, and other things that were not mine, I ended up taking a carry-on, too. In addition to being anxious about my jacket not making it if the bag was lost by the airline, I was now anxious about the little jacket, too.

All jackets arrived safely in the morning on the flight with me, and the only thing I worried about on the flight was the turbulence caused by Jay's laughter while listening to three podcasts of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" (using my iPhone and headphones).

The four year old arrived with a lot of energy and a great enthusiasm to explore every body of water. She was quite okay getting up and into the car by 4am to head out to the Summit for the sunrise, but was very confused by why it was so cold in Hawaii. She did provide the best description for our pictures of the spectacular sunrise - "this pictue is in the God books". Keeping in line with the God theme, Jay got instructions to the best fried chicken at the bottom of the mountain from a Jehova's Witness volunteer at the Visitor Center!

We survived the drive back playing I Spy followed by Knock Knock. I Spy was a success. Knock Knock was a success for a different reason. It went something like this -

Lester - Knock Knock
Child - Who's there?
Lester - Child
Child - It couldn't be!! 

We didn't make it past the laughter to continue playing Knock Knock, but we did get in a picnic at a Beach Park, an afternoon in the pool and a teppanyaki dinner at Kobe's in Lahaina. The little one went to bed after firmly stating, "Maui is very tiring".

Arpitha worked on Wednesday, and the rest of us spent the day at the beach. I was told by the little one that building a sand castle is hard work, and we have to work hard. When I told her I was on vacation, and would not work, she changed strategies. She told me vacations are for fun, and building a sand castle was fun. So I agreed. In exchange for helping her, I was rewarded with an exfoliating wet sand back massage by exquisite little hands accompanied by singing.

While I went for a walk the next morning since everyone was still asleep, the late risers conspired to leave for Hana without me. My little angel was not having any of that, and declared, "we cannot leave without Fayeza, and that's the TRUTH!". She made sure I was in the car before we drove off.

Later that evening, Arpitha exposed us to (and may have traumatized us with) YouTube videos called Eye to Eye and Angel by Tahir Shah. I am still traumatized enough to not go to the link to post it here. Because of her, we also went zip lining - something we always wanted to do but never got around to doing!

Jay declared on the way to the airport that we did good, as we had no accidents, we didn't lose anything or anyone. He forgot that he lost two room keys, and still had one in his pocket while going through TSA that he proudly kept just to show he didn't lose that one.

The Summit of Haleakala, the Road to Hana (and beyond to the Pools of Oheo), yoga lessons by the four year old, sand castles, ocean, waterfalls, beaches, hiking, shave ice, luau, and so much more - each of those is linked to a memorable moment, often captured in pictures, but always captured in the ❤️.

So long, Maui!

What I learned from Relay For Life #volunteering

Many of my friends and coworkers have heard me say that I learned the best project management and leadership skills from my 3 years on the leadership team at the Relay For Life of Belmont / San Carlos, two of which I chaired. But that's only a fraction of what I really learned, and the most valuable lessons came from the weekly interactions for the months spent in organizing the events. 

• Do not underestimate the power of human kindness
• Grief is a powerful emotion, use it well 
• No one "has" time to volunteer - those who are motivated "make" time
• When some volunteers drive you crazy, always remember why they are there and your common purpose
• The most important thing in fundraising is the "ask" - if you don't ask, you don't get
• Don't be afraid of, and be offended by, hearing a "no" - not everyone believes in the same causes you do
• Find the right people, train them, and get out of their way - if you can't trust people, they won't be inspired by your leadership
• Practice empathy - it is better than preaching it
• Be grateful - for what you have, what you are capable of doing if you try, and simply recognizing that you can make a difference
• Know when to walk away, even from something you love and are passionate about

This list is not complete, but I am fighting the urge to make this perfect (which means it may not be posted for a very long time).

Parting thought for now - be inspired by kindness, and volunteer for a cause because each one of us can make a difference. My experience with Relay inspired me to volunteer for many other causes, some of which I loved, and some - well, cutting sheetrock was just not my thing :).

Pride, prejudice and my secrets of adulthood #pride #equality

At dawn, it dawned on me that it is the last day of the month, and once again I am scrambling to meet my self-imposed deadline for a blogpost. In what I considered to be a difficult month to be inspired to write a joyful gratitude blog, I ended up discovering that we are surrounded by many. Sometimes you have to look, but they are always there. And this led me to create my next list of "my secrets of adulthood". Unfortunately, some gratitudes may be accompanied with a  rant, a sad reflection on the time we live in. 

I ended my blog with my second list of "my secrets of adulthood" with the following comment from my favorite television personality. 

"The best defense against bullshit is vigilance. If you smell something, say something" - Jon Stewart

This is even more true today than a year ago when he said it. In a month that has challenged all of us in still believing in the goodness in humanity, I am truly blessed and will boast that I am surrounded mostly by people who believe in equality, not just for their own kind, but for everyone in the world. More about this in the last paragraph of the blog, but first, my next list of "my secrets of adulthood".

I will kick it off with one that is a repeat from the previous two lists:

What you do every day matters more than what you do once in while (from Rubin's list)
Challenging ignorance is probably the best thing you can do for everyone

Expressing an opinion makes you stronger, when that opinion is based on facts

My marriage has never been and never will be threatened by the marriage of my gay friends

A glass of wine does not fix problems, but it helps put them in perspective

It's okay to be a tad bit, little bit or immensely jealous of other people's adventures

Accepting and admitting your weaknesses makes you stronger, if you work on changing them

Accepting your friends' weaknesses makes your relationships stronger 

And lastly, reconnecting to the first part of my blog -
If you can't challenge your own friends on their bigotry, racism and / or xenophobia, you have no right to discuss how to change the world. 

A few days ago, I took it upon myself to say something when I read some total bullshit in posts by a Mexican-American friend who hates Trump for obvious reasons, but openly posted that she used to think all Muslims are terrorists until.... and posted a video that had somehow transformed her thinking. She went on to encourage and applaud the 2 people who added hateful comments in response to her post. As I did not want to get in the middle of their love-fest for hating other people, I sent her a private message calling her out. Her response - my cousin is a radical, I should just block him. It never occurred to her that he was responding to her statement. I openly challenged classmates on their ignorance when Prop 8 was on the ballot in 2008. That battle was lost not because of religious views but sheer ignorance of those who believe everything they see in a TV ad. It was particularly horrifying to me that these were graduate students with access to information, and chose not to use their brains. 

I truly believe that there is more good than evil, and more good people than evil people in the world. Although it does not feel like it on some days, we are in many ways better off today and will be in the future. This is possible because we have access to more easily available information more than ever before. However, information is not absorbed by breathing - you have to research, know how to look for facts v/s rhetoric, and be open to evolving as a person. Don't blame your culture, your upbringing and lack of knowledge, and don't let others get away with those excuses either. I know my opinions have evolved over the last two decades, and I believe that if you truly believe in equality, it has to be equality for all, no matter their race, ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation. 

I dedicate this blog to the lives lost at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, to those killed at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, to those who are discriminated against because of how they identify themselves in society, and the brave people who stand up for the rights of others. 

Why Bay to Breakers is good for the soul

After coaxing, arm twisting, and several of my best "please, please" faces didn't have the right impact on anyone, I headed out alone on Saturday morning to "train" for my first half marathon. My first time on the concrete trail since Bay to Breakers, which was not kind on my hips and knees. It also didn't help that for the first 10 minutes, all I could think of was that the only thing that would take me past the finish line was faith, not training, as the half marathon was only a week away. As is often the case with me, the forced solitude helped me catch up on things that are otherwise neglected. Two episodes of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me", one TED talk, and a few songs from my playlist helped me mentally write my next blog, although at the time I did not realize it was so close to the end of the month, my deadline!!

Stephany and I signed up for our first Bay to Breakers in 2011. She was a little excited about dressing up in a costume, a hope that was quickly turned down by me. I was only excited about one thing - it was the 100th year, and there would be a special medal to commemorate the event. Yes, extrinsic rewards matter. A lot! The reputation of the race is always a huge attraction to many, and discourages many, but all I cared about was walking the 12K with Steph. Leading up to the race, we walked 3 evenings a week in the hills of Belmont, and hiked on weekends. We strengthened an already strong friendship, and impressed ourselves by walking 12K in 2 hours and 20 minutes.  And the 2 hours and 20 minutes were not just spent on walking. There was plenty of sight-seeing - costumes, nudists, drunk people drinking more from their camouflaged coffee cups, potheads, and we had no idea if the police were real or people dressed up as cops. We huffed and puffed, and laughed and joked, and got across the finish line. My first ever race completed, and a special anniversary medal to show for it!

Steph and I decided that we would do the Bay to Breakers again in two years, and every two years in the future. And we did. The second time with more training, more running, and still lots of sight seeing. In those two years, I did a few more races, which surprised many of my friends, but mostly me, since I was known to shirk races. 

A year ago, we did our third Bay to Breakers. Training for this one was hard with work schedules and stress. It was, however, the training and focus on the goal of getting to the race that kept us going, especially since we were accountable to each other. We made our usual trip to the expo the day before, picked up freebies we didn't use, bought stuff we didn't need, and pretended to eat the right things in order to prep for the race. 

We also got to see the race through the eyes of our two new team mates, Jeni and Mark. We forgot all the daily stress and enjoyed every minute of the "un"reality of the costumes, the nudists, the drunks, the potheads, and took enough pictures to use up all the memory on our phones (at least, mine). We limped out way to the streets where we could finally get an Uber. And my friendship with Jeni and Mark grew stronger. 

Instead of waiting two years, I decided to do the Bay to Breakers again this year. Maybe because Jeni and Mark agreed to go with me, and perhaps because I liked this year's t-shirt design (yes, the extrinsic reward). They trained for it while I went on a three week vacation to India (where I did train when I could). I skipped the usual expo, and went it only to pick up our bibs and t-shirts. Unlike the past years when I took the first train in, we collectively decided to get there as close to the start time as possible. Instead of carrying snacks, water, layers of clothes, and an external phone charger just in case, I showed up with the official t-shirt, a think shirt over it, and my phone and wallet. And somehow, the race was different, too. We took a lot of pictures as always, but it was more about us and less about the costumes, the nudists, the drunks, and the potheads - although I swear I smelt enough pot to give me a second hand high! We didn't notice the naked people as much, the people in costumes didn't overwhelm or amuse us that much, and we barely stopped for anything other than water. We talked, we laughed, we had some good and many bad jokes to share. Unlike the year before, we walked in the opposite direction to get our Lyft ride back. And since the streets were still closed for the race, we used it as our runway, and I taught Mark how to walk on the catwalk.

My first Bay to Breakers with Steph inspired me to do other races in the future. None of them were about competing, as I only compete with myself, and many times, I am slower than my previous time. It has lowered my inhibitions for trying something new, and it has also encouraged me to push myself, not just physically, but mentally, too. And in a strange way, it has made me more tolerant. I think that explains how I described this last race - we were no longer tourists at the race, but veterans. I did notice the costumes, the nudists, the drunks and the potheads, and I chose to smile and keep walking (or running) instead of staring and judging. There was a costume that even made me wonder how I would look in it, and of course, I decided that a tutu would continue to be my upper limit in th near future. 

If not the only thing, the one thing that will help me cross the finish line in less than a week is faith in myself, Fabiana and Jeni - I hope one or both of them will volunteer to carry me. And the picture that Jeni sent me. 

It's the journey and the destination, and the people who travel with you in life

Yogesh - making fun of me

Me - "I will cry"

Yogesh - continues to make fun of me

Geeta - "she is serious"

Me - tears start streaming down my face as I continue to laugh, talk, and provoke those watching and listening

That was the scene at the gate while we waited for me to board, back in the days when you could accompany passengers to the gate. It was my first trip to India after my dad's death. I was traveling for a very special reason, my brother's wedding. The tears came for so many reasons. Grief, joy, anxiety, anticipation, but mostly because things would never be the same. Geeta and Yogesh held my hands and sat with me until it was time to board. The flight was quite empty, and I got to pick a seat with an entire row to myself. I didn't really drink back then but I had a glass of wine and 2 little bottles of Bailey's Irish Coffee, I settled down to watch the movie on the big screen (no personalized screen on United back then). I wish I remembered the name of the movie as vividly as my reaction to it. I wept thorough the entire movie. The flight attendant stopped by a few times to make sure I was okay. And once the movie was over, I slept like a baby. I landed in Mumbai with only one emotion - joy! 

Last weekend, as I looked at the organized piles of things I needed to pack, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I had been to India twice since that tearful flight, and my feeling the same way didn't make any sense. I didn't want to pack. No matter what I did, I started over many times as it didn't seem right. And just when I was about to throw in the towel and take a nap instead, Lovey called me. She asked me why I was feeling emotional, and while talking to her, the reasons came to me. 

When those of us who came to the U.S. twenty something years ago, any of us going to India was an event. We got together to pack the bags, made sure shopping lists were complete, wrapped things that could break, attached scotch tape to the covers of all liquids, found all the little spaces in the suitcase where more could be added, and then the inevitable weighing of the suitcases. We did this together, for each other. I remember Manoj spending an entire day packing my suitcase, mentally measuring and weighing everything that went in. He spent so much time on packing that Medha and I watched TV and went to eat as we could not take it any more! I remember Lena, Poonam and Aparna unveiling a rolling carry-on, my first one, as a birthday gift for an upcoming trip to India. Some things are best left out, but I remember many little and big things about the start of each trip. I found the whole experience ridiculous and stressful but enjoyed every moment of it. And while talking to Lovey, I realized that it was one of the things I was emotional about. The stars aligned completely when Aloma and Aleya showed up to help me pack. 

The tears at the airport were during the toughest year of my life. The loss of a parent, giving up the home I grew up in for hopes of a better future for my brother and I, and the uncertainty of life. I survived that year because of the kindest, toughest and most loving people I know. They held me when I was sad, they pushed me to fight when I was struggling, and they were my surrogate parents when I needed one. 

A lot has changed since that trip. My brother has an incredible family, a great present and future, and a home of his own. And while I truly believe in Pico Iyer's words, "home is not where you sleep at night, but where you stand in life", when I think of home, it's my home in Belmont with Jay. 

Saved by the leap year, Downton Abbey, and a tearful gratitude

After being on a roll in January, I barely made it this month. That is my first gratitude - the extra day in February since it is a Leap Year.

In my last blog, I didn't make it to Christmas Day, which was very special in many ways, and it will be it's own blog one day soon. Since this is an extra day, I am going to write about an extra gratitude - extra because it made something else more special, more valued, and more sentimental. 

Downton Abbey. It may sound like a fickle thing to be grateful for. I love good stories, and I love good screenplays. And I particularly love the British shows as they are just as thoughtful about the words and not just the drama. Beginning to feel disappointed with the last season, where I suspected the writers were trying to tie up the loose ends for a perfect ending, I was pleasantly surprised with Episode 8. It's funny I say pleasantly, as what I liked most about the episode was the part that made me cry. If you don't watch the show, it won't mean anything to you. If you watch the show, it is when Edith tells Mary, "Because we are sisters. And one day, only we will remember Sybil". 

That reaction from Edith was totally unexpected. I had already begun to like her character more and more with her taking charge of the newspaper, her new attitude to life, and her maturity in making the most of a very sad situation. With that sentence, Edith won my heart, and of course, the tears flowed freely. I can't remember the last time I cried watching a TV show, but this one stuck with me. I waited all week to find someone to talk to about it. Someone who would understand what it feels like to lose someone very young, and how that can create, if you let it, a bond that can never be broken.

I am grateful that Episode 8 aired the week before my Saturday hike with my friend Teresa. I am grateful for Teresa, who reappeared after weeks of exile to accompany me on a hike on this Saturday. We talked about her nieces, her parents, and her sister. Her sister, who left this life too early. And we talked about what Edith said, how it struck a chord, and it made us cry. It was a hike filled with tears and hugs, and the joy of having someone to talk to. 

I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who love what I love (or at least understand why), who get me, and can cry with me because they understand where the emotion comes from. 

You have an extra day this year to give extra hugs to those you love. Oh, and it's okay to hug those who you don't really love, if you can make their day special. 

White Elephant and beyond - the happy secret to better work #gratitudes

If you read my gratitude blogs and think I have a perfect life, I don’t. I only blog positive things, and my positive perspective of events that were less pleasant. There are many reasons for this, and one of them is that writing about what I am grateful for keeps me grounded during stressful times. It reminds me about one of my core principals – “it’s the small things”. If you are waiting to win the Powerball to be grateful, you will miss so many little things in your journey through life.

In my first gratitude blog, Simple gratitudes, I wrote about two TED talks that inspired me to write my daily gratitudes, and I now have core values inspired by Achor and Pasricha’s talks. How these talks inspired me and how I practice what I learned is in that blog, and today, I want to continue with my December gratitudes.

The week of Christmas started with our team’s holiday dinner. A few days before the dinner, Kelly and I decided that it would be fun to have a White Elephant gift exchange, but to counteract the exhaustion of getting prank gifts, we decided that they can be funny, but also need to be usable. And below is my “recap” of how a program management team does a White Elephant gift exchange (my interpretation, of course).

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Preparing for HyperCare – with the perfect White Elephant gifts

• Kelly – delighted with the new clock that will keep us on time for all meetings (she will also schedule a training session for gift wrapping)
• Ashutosh – a mug with the 2016 calendar to remind him that every day in January is a Monday
• Pablo – so happy with his new ceramic mug that can travel to Bangalore with him
• Venu – a new humorous card each morning to remind us to laugh
• Merve – neck pillow for naps in the command center
• Michael – will never spill any of the precious much-needed coffee
• Fayeza – who will stop at nothing to nab the pillow for her own nap
• Shanice – needs the spill-proof mug more than Michael does
• Susan – believes that the schedule will reveal something good (and she is right)
• Merve – plenty of candy for the first few minutes on the first day of HyperCare
• Michael – grabs the fancy (and beautiful) tea maker for preparing soothing tea between tough meetings
• Susan – will be the most hydrated in all meetings with her fancy water bottle

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This project has been one of the most challenging ones I have worked on. My stress, blood glucose, and often, blood pressure have been on the rise. I have more grey hair, and have to get my hair colored more frequently. It has also been very rewarding, I have learned a lot, and I have grown both professionally and personally. The most important thing, of course, is the relationships I have built, the trust I have earned, and the friendships I cherish.  I am grateful that I get to work with this amazing team, who motivate me, inspire me, drive me crazy, and keep me sane.

Friendship at first sight and more December #gratitudes

I am savoring my cup of aromatic and delicious Gyokuro tea as I continue with the second half of my December gratitude blog. It is a cherished gift from a friend who bought it in Kyoto, and it has now become my Sunday afternoon routine to drink one of the teas from the gift box. I am grateful for Susan, with whom I have spent more time than anyone else in the last year. She takes care of me not just by bringing me unique teas, but giving me strength when I need it the most. 

The night after Nate's birthday, it was time to celebrate Gosia's. This woman is magical, at least to me. The first time I met her, I knew in my heart that she was someone I wanted to have in my life. Yes, it was "friendship at first sight". She makes me feel loved, and in a strange sort of way, she makes me feel safe. I am grateful that I had the honor of celebrating her milestone birthday.

The morning started with a hike. Yes, it was quite easy to wake up early to head out to Wunderlich, after a few tequila shots the night before and getting home at 2am. It had rained heavily the previous day, and had started to drizzle when I left. Geralyn and I were not going to be deterred from the last hike of the year by a little rain. The beauty that awaited us, in an already beautiful place, was overwhelming. We had joked about how we would burst into song and dance when The Meadows turned green, a sight many of of my new hiking companions have never witnessed because of the drought. Well, The Meadows was green, and the hills were alive! Unbelievably, it was I who asked Geralyn to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music" with me. We pulled up the lyrics, found the music, and sang along with Julie Andrews while recording The Meadows. I am grateful that The Meadows exist a short enough distance from where I live so I can make it there on so many weekends. I am grateful that we have rain. I am grateful for the melodies the beautiful surroundings inspire. 

The evening started perfectly. I had already decided to debut the gorgeous dress Poonam bought me. Is there a better way to debut a birthday gift from a dear friend other than at the birthday of another dear friend? The necklace from Palvika complimented the dress perfectly, and “I was ready, set, go” for drinks with the Vohra crew before leaving for the party. I am grateful for Poonam, for many reasons, but in this case, gifting me many party dresses over the years, some that have made me famous (or infamous), and nursing me back to a stable standing state after one of those parties resulted in my hitting and staying on the floor for a while.

And that is a perfect lead in to the next gratitude. I planned to go to the Macha Holiday Party, the best one every year, after Gosia’s birthday celebration. I was, however, delayed because I was asked to pick up food on the way home for the 4 musketeers who were already at the party. It was midnight when I got to the party, and the 4 musketeers, whose names you can guess, had left the party. I am grateful that my friend Kerri let me in, although almost all the other guests had left, and played one more song to dance with me to before I delivered the food. I am grateful for Kerri, the most organized person I know, who willingly gave into a little chaos by my showing up late.

So many gratitudes for one weekend, I have barely made it to the week of Christmas. More motivation to continue writing as the gratitudes, many of them inspired by a lot of funny moments, will continue.