Life can be challenging, and then there are existential problems #problems #existential #meaningoflife

“What makes your problems so much bigger than everyone else’s?”

“They’re mine!”

--- Ally McBeal

In no particular order, I present to you my 2018 list of existential problems. As these are subject to change, and their priority will never be consistent, I did not want to waste any time on force ranking them. Right there is a big problem – force ranking problems that are existential.

In September of last year, I stated this while eating an early lunch after a long walk along the Pacifica beach with my Pacifica family – “hangryness is another issue that does not get enough attention, much like ageism”. To me, this is the definition of an existential problem if ever one existed. To be hungry, and then angry, leading to hangryness, is likely one of the worst feelings an otherwise calm, cool, sarcastic, humorous and generally jovial person can experience. If you are wondering how I know I stated this in September, 2017 – it’s because I wrote it down. I write most things down to mitigate another existential problem – not remembering the coolest things I ever said and when I said them. I also write down the coolest things other people say, too, for the same reason.

Siri has managed to learn that I appreciate sarcasm and a sense of humor. But the weather is serious business. And one morning when I asked Siri, what is the temperature right now, Siri proceeded to say, “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. Just kidding… it’s 48^oF outside”. I’m sure you’ve heard Siri say funnier things when prompted, but this response to a weather question was shocking enough for me to take a screen shot (once again, so I would never forget). I’ve forgotten why this is an existential problem, but I think it should be.

I am generally a grateful person, but sometimes not grateful enough. In August of last year, while enjoying the beauty of the island of Hawaii, I stalked friends on social media who traveled to Oregon to watch the eclipse, and felt intensely jealous. I don’t even know if I would have traveled to Oregon myself to watch it happen, but I felt envious regardless, and chided myself for not organizing my calendar well. My extraordinarily synced calendar does not have events like the total solar eclipse automatically listed on it, and there are no flags or notifications when you plan something at the same time. I suppose this paragraph has two problems – my wavering gratefulness and my calendar.

Pepsi or Coke? I like Pepsi more than Coke. Drink something like 2 a year. I switched to Coke after the offensive ad featuring Jenner, but I think this can be a low priority problem until I start consuming more soda and have a credible impact on the soda industry.

I don’t have Bran’s vision. If I did, I would tell you everything. For a small fee, of course. And I would not accept daggers from slimy people with slimy names like Littlefinger. This was probably the most frustrating part about Game of Thrones – waiting for Bran to let us see what he sees, which we eventually did, but not at the time of my noting this down on August 6, 2017. If you don’t watch GoT, it’s your problem. 

I think that’s plenty of existential problems to chew on and prioritize for now. And there are plenty more where these came from (my downloaded Facebook timeline).

To end this post, another quote (and warning) from Ally McBeal – “Even if I get past all of my problems, I’m just going to get new ones”

X marks the spot – it’s the little things #Hawaii2017

The fun started before the trip with a lengthy phone call with the soon-to-be 5 year old who had very specific questions on the location of the condo, how far it was from the pool, if it was on the low floor or high floor, how many bags are allowed, who will take the bags, how early we need to wake up and leave for the sunrise, how will the pickup and drop-off at the airport work, and one important question that she forgot and had to schedule a separate call for – the playlist! She also wanted to know when the three adults besides her mamma were going “skydiving” so she and mamma could schedule their trip to the pool, and wanted to be sure that Fayeza provided instructions on how to get to the pool before leaving. Many of the questions were mixed with a super emphasized, “Fayeza, I am going to be 5 soon” statement!

I reassured her that there would be no waking up early for a sunrise (although we did one morning for a glimpse of the Solar Eclipse which we ended up watching on TV), but we would be going to a higher mountain and would need warm clothes. Two years in a row, the first thing I packed was her little jacket. I also created a playlist with plenty of Shakira and Pitbull plus Shape of You and “that radio song” (Cheap Thrills) along with some good old rock n roll for the rest of us in the car.

The first day started with a new version of “knock knock”

Knock knock - Who’s there – Jug - Jug who - Jaggu, I love you!

That the first place we visited right after checking in was the pool is no surprise. The now already 5 year old showed me a few new tricks, and also her muscles – the floats on her arms. She stared at me with great concern when I decided to walk on the treadmill instead of jumping into the pool right away.

The following day was the much anticipated visit to Volcanoes National Park. My weakness for purchasing reusable bags was quite evident at the gift store, and I also purchased a special bag to carry my water bottle and keys. Balanced the bottle bag with my cross-body purse, and I was ready to lead the hike into the Volcano’s rim. We took some lovely pictures along the rim with the plume of smoke rising from the Volcano in the back, and even sang a lovely birthday greeting for Manjeev. As we sweated our way on the trail towards the parking to head to the Lava Tube, I suddenly heard a little voice yell, “X marks the spot, Fayeza” followed by Aloma’s laughter. I stopped in my tracks to examine “the spot” which only made Aloma laugh more. Apparently, the “X” was on my back, formed by the straps of my new bottle bag and the purse.

Of course, we decided it was picture-worthy but not before the straps were adjusted to make the X look as perfect and centered as possible. 

In addition to that and hundreds of other pictures, there were several pictures laying on inviting horizontal tree trunks to send to Geralyn and Sheena, and stops at various spots to capture the lava plume in the ocean. Plus a few shots of the Sea Arch, which when said as one word, sounds like biatch according to Lester.

Wow! This is only the beginning, and the stories of the sunsets, Mauna Kea and beach bumming will have to be covered in a later blog! It will be another incredible list of little things (and high jumps) plus beautiful memories.

Snowstorms, hailstorms, and friendships that weather storms

Snowstorm: a heavy fall of snow, especially with a high wind

Snow: atmospheric water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer

Hailstorm: a storm of heavy hail

Hail: pellets of frozen rain that fall in showers from cumulonimbus clouds

Friendships: the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends

Weather the storm: survives difficulties

Ha! I am finally getting to this blog post with snowstorms and hailstorms in the title when we have a heat wave, and it is a balmy 89 degrees outside! It's fitting, however, that I am writing about my first year in the U.S. and remembering that it was approximately 89 degrees in Bombay when I left, and close to 25 degrees in Chicago when I landed at the airport. I cleared immigration and customs and stepped out of the protected arrivals area to look for the person picking me up, and it was so cold, I felt the surfactant in my lungs freeze as I took a breath in. After a comedy of errors worthy of it's own post, I finally found Peggy (who had been standing at an exit with a post-it with Fayeza in ball point pen), and we headed to my first residence at Joyce Stockler's house in Elmwood Park, where I was greeted by Heidi, the dog, and 3 very unhappy cats. Saving grace, my soon-to-be first roommate, Aparna.

Aparna set me up with her in the little attic bedroom with 2 twin beds. When I woke up the next morning, I experienced my first shock! Snow, but not the pretty kind, bare trees, and not a single sound outside. I was used to waking up to the sounds of chirping birds and crowing roosters, and the quiet stillness was both fascinating and depressing. But Aparna took me shopping, and we took the Harlem bus to the closest K-Mart. Since it was below freezing, Aparna loaned me a winter jacket that was heavier than me, and went all the way to my toes. Because we were adventurous, we decided to walk back home on Harlem Ave, and it was only much later that we realized how stupid that was. Just like it was only a few months ago when I was making a list when writing this draft that I realized how many firsts I had with Aparna.

First roommate
First shopping partner
First dinner partner at Red Lobster
First dinner partner on Devon Street (I think it was a restaurant called Gandhi, and Joyce's dad took us there)
First out-of-town trip (to Lincoln, IL to visit Poonam in her new apartment)
First movie in the US (The Air Up There)
First really long drive in a blizzard (280 miles in 13 hours)

We have so many firsts, some of them only mine but she was an important part of it. We went to an Amish town in IL together, and enjoyed it just as much as The Signature Lounge at the 96th (maybe even more, ha ha). There was a moment of weakness when we considered going fishing when hanging out by a lake in the Midwest - could have been our first, and my last. We had the same car, and we both had a love-hate relationship with it. She used her's a lot longer than I used mine, and she drove it to California.

I am sure there are many I have left out that I will remember during a conversation. Laughing, of course, has always been a big part of it, and I was treated to a visit to Laffing Sal with her and Umesh when Sal resided at the Mechanical Museum next to the Cliff House.

I still have the cardigan we bought at K-Mart on my first shopping trip (I did give away all the other stuff but had to keep at least one thing I bought that day). And I only recently gave away my first rolling carry-on, a birthday gift from Aparna, Poonam and Lena way back when! The mug I cherished (another birthday gift) for more than 20 years finally chipped but the little stuffed tiger that came with it is safe.

Ha! I am rambling on and forgot there is a hailstorm to be remembered. When visiting Poonam on what seemed to be a nice day, just as I took the exit ramp from I-5, it turned pitch dark, and I could only hear the sound of the heavy hail falling on the car roof. I had never experienced hail before and I was even more terrified as there was a semi-trailer taking the exit right behind me. It was only when the the hailstorm stopped that I realized we were surrounded by golf-ball size hail, and like all disciplined traffic in the Midwest, all vehicles had come to a slow and complete stop until the storm passed.

Aparna, Poonam and I didn't have an easy start when we first arrived, and it didn't get easier in the first couple of years. We were strong, persistent, gritty women but most importantly, we had each other as well as some very important friends who always kept our spirits up. I have a more vivid memory of watching Lion King with them in Danville, IL than other more spectacular movies since. Gosh, we went to the hot air balloon festival the first summer, and were excited because we traveled there in a standing-room only bus! We managed to get lost in Indianapolis, which was far smaller and less populated than it is today. This was after I locked my keys in the rental car to which we didn't have a spare key!

I can't figure out how to end this blog, so I will do it very simply. To friendships that last through the toughest times and survive forever - I love you!

Friendship at first sight and more December #gratitudes

I am savoring my cup of aromatic and delicious Gyokuro tea as I continue with the second half of my December gratitude blog. It is a cherished gift from a friend who bought it in Kyoto, and it has now become my Sunday afternoon routine to drink one of the teas from the gift box. I am grateful for Susan, with whom I have spent more time than anyone else in the last year. She takes care of me not just by bringing me unique teas, but giving me strength when I need it the most. 

The night after Nate's birthday, it was time to celebrate Gosia's. This woman is magical, at least to me. The first time I met her, I knew in my heart that she was someone I wanted to have in my life. Yes, it was "friendship at first sight". She makes me feel loved, and in a strange sort of way, she makes me feel safe. I am grateful that I had the honor of celebrating her milestone birthday.

The morning started with a hike. Yes, it was quite easy to wake up early to head out to Wunderlich, after a few tequila shots the night before and getting home at 2am. It had rained heavily the previous day, and had started to drizzle when I left. Geralyn and I were not going to be deterred from the last hike of the year by a little rain. The beauty that awaited us, in an already beautiful place, was overwhelming. We had joked about how we would burst into song and dance when The Meadows turned green, a sight many of of my new hiking companions have never witnessed because of the drought. Well, The Meadows was green, and the hills were alive! Unbelievably, it was I who asked Geralyn to sing "the hills are alive with the sound of music" with me. We pulled up the lyrics, found the music, and sang along with Julie Andrews while recording The Meadows. I am grateful that The Meadows exist a short enough distance from where I live so I can make it there on so many weekends. I am grateful that we have rain. I am grateful for the melodies the beautiful surroundings inspire. 

The evening started perfectly. I had already decided to debut the gorgeous dress Poonam bought me. Is there a better way to debut a birthday gift from a dear friend other than at the birthday of another dear friend? The necklace from Palvika complimented the dress perfectly, and “I was ready, set, go” for drinks with the Vohra crew before leaving for the party. I am grateful for Poonam, for many reasons, but in this case, gifting me many party dresses over the years, some that have made me famous (or infamous), and nursing me back to a stable standing state after one of those parties resulted in my hitting and staying on the floor for a while.

And that is a perfect lead in to the next gratitude. I planned to go to the Macha Holiday Party, the best one every year, after Gosia’s birthday celebration. I was, however, delayed because I was asked to pick up food on the way home for the 4 musketeers who were already at the party. It was midnight when I got to the party, and the 4 musketeers, whose names you can guess, had left the party. I am grateful that my friend Kerri let me in, although almost all the other guests had left, and played one more song to dance with me to before I delivered the food. I am grateful for Kerri, the most organized person I know, who willingly gave into a little chaos by my showing up late.

So many gratitudes for one weekend, I have barely made it to the week of Christmas. More motivation to continue writing as the gratitudes, many of them inspired by a lot of funny moments, will continue. 

Call me crazy..... A blog for my birthday

It's raining! It's cold! And it's 6 am on a Sunday morning! The first thought after texting, "yes, we are" to Sheena's question, "the sky is falling, are we still on?" was to stay under the covers for 15 more minutes. But I was wide awake, and instead of wanting to go back to sleep or curling up with a book, I wanted to get into my warm rain-proof clothes and hit the road! 

Yes, call me crazy, but Geralyn and Sheena have made waking up early on Sunday mornings somewhat of an adventure to look forward to. 

From the first time that Geralyn showed up to hike with me, really nervous about being able to keep up and finish what I claimed was an easy 3 mile loop, to the day she asked when we would hike the 13 mile loop I had promised, it has been months of very joyful hikes every weekend. And then Sheena came along for a 13 mile hike, breaking all kinds of records on her first day using her Fitbit. The jewel in the crown - Geralyn's idea to hike at Land's End followed by brunch at Louis' for Sheena's birthday. Aloma joining us was a big bonus! 

We walked, we laughed, we took a lot of pictures. And we started a new tradition - birthday celebrations at Land's End! 

Call me crazy, because I started my birthday morning by waking up at 4:45 am, driving my cousin to the airport, and then heading out for my practice 10K to prepare for the Thanksgiving Gobble Wobble. I answered birthday calls, texts and Facebook messages while on my walk/run. And I spent some time thinking back on the year since I wrote my first blog for my birthday. 

This year, I did a few things that most people who know me would consider either crazy or just not me! I made choices that would normally scare me, I made decisions that were unlike me. I learned that, in life, you often feel that you are rationalizing decisions to reconcile them with your core values, but when you are rooted in those values, you are simply finding ways to make sure that your decisions don't go against them. This allowed me to open my heart to new friendships, and embrace people I felt I had nothing in common with (and could never work with). It made me a believer in second chances, for myself and for others. 

Among other things, I spent a whole day in Disneyland wearing a tutu, and even danced with the band. And I wore pink Minnie Mouse ears with a red tutu - shockingly unfashionable! I climbed on a fallen tree, and tried to balance on it. I crawled up on a tree trunk, and pretended to sleep (while getting sticky sap all over my clothes). 

Call me crazy, but I believe that being in the company of nature with someone else who believes in you is the most therapeutic thing you can do for yourself. 

I am going to end this birthday blog with a quote from Sheena that is going to be my mantra. 

"Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no selfie hard enough" 

I love the rain!

The rain always brings special memories of my childhood and college days. It was a family tradition to welcome the first monsoon shower by stepping outside and literally dancing in the rain. The first rain showers were the sign of the end of the summer. I still remember the scent of the first rain, the petrichor, and wonder if you can still smell it now that there are fewer trees and more pollution where I grew up.

Although shopping for a new pair of gumboots was the highlight of the monsoon fashion season, often the water level on the streets was high enough to fill them and make them useless. Walking home from school involved several stops to take off the gum-boots and empty out the water. This was made harder by the fact that we had to carry our schoolbags on the top of our head so the books did not touch the water. Any challenges that the rain brought was quickly forgotten with a steaming cup of tea and the delicious pakoras. I still make, or at least dream of making pakoras when it rains.

The rain could be full of surprises, too. I took the train to south Bombay on my way to an interview, and got soaking wet because I was too close to the door. I enjoyed every minute of it, and knew that the interviewers would understand if I showed up in wet clothes. Well, it was sunny and dry at the destination, but the hospital I went to was kind enough to give me some towels to dry up, and scrubs to wear to the interview.

And there was the trip to Pune with my PT classmates! Wading through the water with suitcases on our heads, not thinking for a minute that the train to Pune would most likely be canceled. Fighting our way on to one of the few trains that was not canceled. And breathing a sigh of relief when it was only drizzling in Pune, not pouring as it was in Bombay.

My first rain in Chicago was very different. I wanted to go out and enjoy it, but it was April and a very cold 45 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I sat at the window and stared at the rain for hours, wishing to be consumed by the fragrance of the first rain.

I miss that rain. I don't miss the floods, and the challenges, but I have fond memories of those. Warm or cold, a drizzle or a thunderstorm, I absolutely love the rain!